*Don't worry. This review does NOT contain spoilers*
Giving a movie an intriguing title is an exciting concept, if that intrigue leads to something. Midway through this movie, I thought to myself, "Do they call it 9 and 1/2 weeks because that's how long I feel I've been watching Kim Basinger's character pretend to have a giant piece of flat iron lodged up her ass?"
For a greater portion of my adult life, people have been pushing this movie on me like as if it was as good as Vanilla Almond Bark Tofutti. "You have to see it." "If you liked Secretary, you've gotta see this shit!" I think, in reality, these people were true sadists and enjoy the idea of my suffering.
Words can not describe how awful I thought this movie was. It was this story about this idiotic art gallery lady, Elizabeth (Basinger) who meets this delicious specimen of a man, John (Rourke) who lavishes her with attention and an excitement she's only previously achieved through selling worthless pieces of art, or whatever it is she does for a living. [This, by the way, was a stupid profession for her to have. They should have made her position something more appropriate to her obvious intelligence, like maybe elephant shit scraper.] Elizabeth proceeds, throughout the whole movie, to pretend not to like it when he asks her to do things like crawl on the floor, be blindfolded, or spread her legs at a department store.
My absolute favorite scene in the movie was when Elizabeth wouldn't put her hands up against the wall and lift her skirt for a spanking (she was *gasp* bad and looked through his closet). John bitch-slaps her, slams her against the table, and gives her some good lovin'. I was so excited when he slapped her that I could almost imagine the sting on my own hand. So first she's all huffy and puffy, ready to walk out the door because he wants to brighten her ungrateful ass cheeks with a warm hand. Now that she's been nice and fucked, she's moaning and gasping like the stupid whore that she obviously is.
This movie is barely sexy. Anything sexy that John attempts to initate is ruined by Elizabeth pretending she's some sort of blushing virgin and she's not allowed to be sexy. An agonizing ten minute scene in the movie includes her stupid ass doing this strip tease for him (by the way, all nude scenes were not Basinger, but a double) and what I've gathered from her display is that she was actually just spasming because that stick lodged up her ass was finally affecting her central nervous system.
In the end SHE LEAVES HIM. (Hahaha! Spoiler! Sorry.*) I still haven't figured out a reason why, other than the fact that she's a stupid, ungrateful whore.
The only thing that made this movie watchable was the adorable, suave character played by Mickey Rourke. But I just looked on IMDB and saw that he is, in fact, now ugly. This movie was a pathetic piece of shit, obviously written by a stupid coked-up team of dork-ass female writers wearing giant shoulder pads and Aquanet.
*Obviously, I am not sorry about the spoiler. You should worship me for saving you two hours of time out of your life that could be used for doing sexier things, like fly fishing.
on thinking
15 years ago
